


We Keep Living Anyway

by iknowhowmystoryends (gorgeouschaos)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Referenced) - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Fix-It, M/M, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, look I just watched 15x20 I am experiencing many emotions, wow that's a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27790900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gorgeouschaos/pseuds/iknowhowmystoryends
Summary: The first time, Sam’s sure it’s a mistake. Dean dodges a little too slow and catches a claw to the neck. Sam stitches Dean up in a grimy motel bathroom and doesn’t ask if Dean had been drinking.The second time, it’s a near-miss with a vampire. Sam takes her head off with a shotgun and begins to wonder.The third time, it’s Dean picking a fight with an off-duty cop with a gun.That one’s the last straw.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 250





	We Keep Living Anyway

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Wait for It from Hamilton. It seemed suitable.  
> *points at tags silently*

The first time, Sam’s sure it’s a mistake. Dean dodges a little too slow and catches a claw to the neck. Sam stitches Dean up in a grimy motel bathroom and doesn’t ask if Dean had been drinking. 

The second time, it’s a near-miss with a vampire. Sam takes her head off with a shotgun and begins to wonder.

The third time, it’s Dean picking a fight with an off-duty cop with a gun. 

That one’s the last straw. 

Sam drags Dean out of the bar, shoves him into the Impala, and goes fifteen over back to the bunker. 

When they get back, Sam shoves his brother into a chair at the table with their initials carved into it and says, “Talk.”

Dean’s chin juts out in the way it always does when he’s bracing for a fight and oh, Sam wishes this was a problem that could be solved with a good right hook. “About what?”

“Why you’re trying to get yourself killed.”

Dean seems honestly taken aback. “What?”

For a moment, Sam wonders if he’s wrong. Then he remembers the devil-may-care look in Dean’s eyes as he’d smiled at the cop and says, “Don’t pull that shit.”

“Sammy,” Dean says with an air of exaggerated patience, “If I wanted to kill myself, there’s like seven guns in my room alone.”

“Yeah, but then I’d have to find your body,” Sam says. He’s guessing, but Dean’s eyes flicker. “That’s it, isn’t it? So you’ll leave me behind, but you won’t leave me a mess to clean up? You think that would make a goddamn bit of difference to me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dean says, moving to stand. 

Sam shoves him back into the chair. 

“What the hell, Sam?” Dean’s angry now, not just pretending. It’s a relief. Sam’s spent more time than he’d prefer to admit hoping the anger would come back. That his brother would be something other than an empty shell. 

“Talk,” Sam repeats. “You’re not leaving until we do.”

“Oh, like you could stop me.”

“Maybe not,” Sam acknowledges, because neither of them really knows who would win. Finding out would break something between them permanently. “But you don’t want to hurt me, so you’re not going to fight me.”

Dean’s jaw twitches. No one but Sam would have caught it. “I got nothing to say.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re not trying to die, and I’ll drop it.”

Dean’s eyes slide away from Sam’s. He doesn’t say anything. 

“Yeah,” Sam says. He sits down in the chair across from Dean. “That’s what I thought. Talk.”

Dean’s quiet for a few minutes. Sam’s almost ready to press further when he says, “You know why the Empty took Cas?”

“No,” Sam says, rolling with the apparent non sequitur.

“He made a deal for Jack.” Dean scrubs a hand through his hair, a tell Sam rarely sees on him anymore. “When he was happy, really happy, it would take him.”

“Why didn’t he tell us?”

“I don’t know, man. It’s-- it was-- Cas. You know how he was.”

Sam nods, because he may not know Cas like Dean does, but he knows enough. “So… Is that how Cas summoned the Empty?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Dean swallows. “He, uh, he… he told me something that made him happy, and it came.”

“What did he say, Dean?” Sam asks quietly. He has a feeling he knows-- anyone with a pair of eyes does-- but Dean needs to say it. 

“Stupid son of a bitch said he loved me.” Dean swipes a hand over his eyes before the tears can fall. “Said it didn’t matter if he could have me, that loving me was enough.”

Yeah. That was love, all right. And that was also Cas to the goddamn bone.

Dean says, so quietly Sam almost doesn’t hear him, “He never asked.”

 _Oh_ , Sam thinks. _Oh, Dean_. 

Out loud, he says, “Asked what?”

“If I--” Dean breaks off, looks away. He traces Cas’ name where it’s carved into the table. 

Sam nods a couple times. “If you loved him back.”

Dean doesn’t reply, just keeps tracing Cas’ name, which is as good as a yes. 

“Dean,” Sam breathes, reaching across the table. 

Dean jerks away from him and stands up. “No, Sam. I’m not doing this.”

“I lost Jess,” Sam says, as evenly as he can manage. “Remember? I lost Eileen. If anyone else on this planet understands, it’s me.”

Dean shakes his head. His fists are clenched. “It’s not the same. Cas-- we--”

“You loved him,” Sam says. “He loved you. Far as I can tell, it’s the same in every way that matters.”

And then Dean breaks. He falls back into the chair, buries his face in his hands, and cries like Sam hasn’t ever heard him cry. 

Sam’s helpless. He can’t fix it, can’t shoot something to make Dean better. All he can do is walk around the table and pull Dean into his arms. 

“Stupid,” Dean is chanting. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

Sam’s not sure what, or who, Dean’s referring to. He just holds on as tight as he can.

They’re not fixed, not healed. Sam still signs things out, if he doesn’t think about it; Dean still pulls three beers out of the fridge. But Dean stops dodging just a little too slow; he starts talking about Cas again, in jagged bursts here and there. 

They’re not fixed. But they’re okay.

(And if Dean dodges a certain nail on instinct, instead of hesitating just long enough, neither Sam nor Dean pay it much mind.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you like it, and I love hearing from y'all!


End file.
